Not feeling it.

Today has been kind of an off day.  I spoke to my husband and he sort of made it clear that his future may be in SF for a while.  I was hoping things would have turned out differently.  Now, I have no idea what is going to happen, and while that can be exciting, today it does not feel exciting.  It feels scary and sad.  When will we be reunited? Where? It was kind of fun for a while, but I am very much over this whole long-distance relationship thing.  Watching whatever you want on TV does get old.  And there is still at least 7 more months of it.  At least.  Now, I’m told it may be much, much longer.

We also talked about Christmas coming up.

Our apartment last year.

Our apartment last year.

I usually LOVE decorating our little apartment, but it feels silly and like a waste of time to decorate just for myself, so I haven’t.

It doesn’t even really feel like Christmas, anyway.  I have such a sadness coming over me even thinking about Christmas this year.  I’ve been balling at work all day.  I called my mom and she balled, too.  We are a fucking mess, and there is nothing to be done about this terrible place we’re in but wake up every day and live and maybe distract ourselves beyond feeling pain.

This is definitely not where I thought I would be in life.  That I can take.  This is not at all where I want to be in life.  That is hard to accept.

On a brighter note (sort of), I’m looking forward to the weekend.

I’m going to watch the new Peter Pan Live special tonight.  Sadly, skipping my good friend’s Ugly Sweater Party.  I’m just not in the holiday spirit.

image via

image via

Saturday, I’m getting my hair cut (FINALLY!), so I can feel like myself again, at least in appearance.  I’ll be in the Valley, so I’ll stop-in on Mom and help her make her Christmas card labels.  She has to write the most horrible letter this year explaining why my dad is not in this year’s photo and why she has no hair.  I’m sure that’s got to be hard to write.

Sunday, I’m going to the in-law’s because MIL is going to help me put together “our little family”‘s first Christmas card.  I’m looking forward to that going out.  I think it will be a good feeling.  Remind me that, indeed, I am married to this wonderful guy that I never get to see, and in fact, we are going somewhere.  We just don’t know where yet.

Yeah-I just want to crawl into bed today.  I’m not feeling it.


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