I was not going to write this. I wanted this year to slip away. I’m afraid to be too optimistic about what next year brings, but I kind of feel like the literal mathematical odds are in my favor; that I’m due for a good thing to happen to me like it’s due to rain in the dessert after a long dry spell.
In future years, I’ll likely recount my year in a post on New Year’s Eve, but that would be such a sucky read. Everyone has problems of varying scales to deal with at all times. Most often I’m pretty sure we have no idea what those around us are going through. I think that objectively speaking, 2014 was a shitty year for me and some of those closest to me, but I don’t for one second think that’s unique to me or mine.
I’ve had such an awesome life. I really have. I’m pretty much the definition of “blessed” (haha). Up until these last few years, I didn’t even know how depressed or truly frightened felt, so that makes me extremely lucky for 26 years straight. That kind of lucky defies odds, really. So now that my family has been through the wringer and made it through having even learned some things from the shit that’s been hurled our way for the past few years, I’d like to think maybe the worst is over, but that’s a dangerous expectation, no?
I’ll just put this out there because why not? In the coming year, I’d like to see me reunited with my husband so that I can have the support I need as I continue to heal and so together we can start a new chapter that doesn’t feel like sad limbo, and I’d like to see that my mother is restored to perfect health. That’s the big picture. I don’t want to get too much into specifics because, if there’s anything I’ve learned this year, it’s that having general goals is helpful, but having specific expectations and a “plan” is not. At least not if you can’t deal with its derailment, because your plan will be derailed at some point. Those are the times that make the man and whatnot.
I’ve never liked celebrating New Year’s Eve (or Halloween, but that’s another story) because the expectations are enormous and that makes it lame. I’ve even heard people say things like, “your New Year’s Eve sets the tone for your whole year.” How scary. I’m watching a movie and more of The Sopranos tonight. Maybe I’ll throw in some cartoons. I had leftover pasta from my dinner with my mom and brother last night. When I wake up tomorrow it will be a new year, but also just another day-the day that follows today. Ya know what I mean? Like there is no actual marker in time that makes things different tomorrow as opposed to today. It’s sort of meaningless like a birthday. Gosh, that sounds sad or something, but I don’t mean it to be. Just sort of factual. I’m just taking away the mysticism of New Years in saying it is an arbitrary marking of time. And now I’m over-explaining.
So tomorrow, after this whole New Year thing has passed, and I pick my husband up from the airport in the morning, the thing I want to remember is the special feeling of the mundaneness of letting him sleep all day next to me while I watch TV as if that were just any other day. Maybe in the new year it will be. Maybe.